The Supreme Court nominee hearings have been a spectacle of high-stakes politics unequalled in recent memory. But for the women and non-binary folk in my life, they have also been unusually painful. Nominee Brett Kavanaugh is accused of sexually assaulting Dr. Christine Blasey Ford when both of them were teenagers. Hearing the details of these accusations reopens old wounds for many of us, for there are few women or girls around who have not been the subject of sexual harassment, assault, or even rape. It is stunningly common, woefully underreported, and rarely talked about outside of counselors’ offices, yet reverberates through a person’s life for decades. Survivors often never completely recover. And it does happen to men and non-binary persons, too, and those cases are even more rarely talked about.
All of the media attention – including social media commentary, deconstruction, and thinkpieces – can be overwhelming for people who’d thought they’d lived through the worst of it, and maybe even had put their lives back together. There might be days when, as much as one might want to go to social media to escape the news, in fact one only encounters more and more reminders of what happened, what continues to happen to other victims.
What it brings up for me is the importance of talking about sex, and more to the point, talking about consent and respect. Sex educators will tell you that parents are children’s primary source of information about sex, and if parents don’t provide that information, the children WILL get it elsewhere – and it probably won’t align with our values about sex. It’s hard enough talking with our kids about healthy sex; how much harder to talk about sexual assault? Yet we must have the courage to do it.
Children learn lessons about consent very early. The most positive message we can give younger kids is to teach them that they are always in control of their own bodies, as long as they are not in harm’s way. Don’t want to give Grandpa a hug? That’s fine, it’s your choice, and it doesn’t mean you love him any less. Changed your mind about getting your ears pierced? No problem, we can come back another day. People of all ages can reinforce these boundaries: for example, I like to ask people if they’d prefer a hug or a handshake the first couple of times I meet them.
If we have the privilege of raising boys, it is crucial that we teach them about enthusiastic consent. I read recently about a young man who was asked, if you ask a girl out and she says no, what should you do? He answered, “I know, I know, I should keep trying.” Actually, he should stop trying – the girl gave him an answer, and the answer was no. He should respect her choice and learn to manage his disappointment. This is the first step of understanding that “no means no”. We often think of boys as aggressors and girls as victims, but we need to understand that boys can also be harmed by this stereotype, which diminishes their humanity. Men who respect and encourage women and know how to cultivate the friendship of women develop full and rich character. Even more, we must teach boys how to notice when other boys are overstepping a woman’s boundaries, and how to interrupt it.
If we have girls and/or queer children to raise, it is equally important that we teach them that they never have to say yes. It can be very heavy to think about teaching them about the dangers of dating, but we must have this conversation so that they will know that we will always believe what they tell us, that we will not blame them if they become victims, and that we will take their side. It can be helpful to frame it in terms of instilling our first UU Principle: our children have inherent worth that can never be taken from them. (It’s so important to remember that queer youth, including lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, and nonbinary youth, are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault than their straight counterparts, so educating our queer kids is one of the most important things we can do to support them.)
If the Kavanaugh hearings have brought up painful feelings or memories for you, I want you to know that you are a person of worth and beauty, who deserves to be loved, and you are not at fault for what happened to you. It’s okay to take a break from media, including social media – there are people around you who love you and can keep you in the loop. I’d also like to say thank you to the men who take the time to listen to the stories of friends who’ve been hurt, who withhold judgment and make space for pain. You are part of the solution, and it means a lot. I’m proud that our community is a place where we can explore the painful parts of life, and heal through them together.